:::writing{variant="document" id="58321" title="Formal Complaint Regarding Substandard Haunted House Conditions"}
Dear Management of the Haunted House,
I am writing to formally complain about the deeply disappointing quality of your haunted attraction, which I have unfortunately been haunting for the past 73 years.
First, the atmosphere is completely unacceptable. Where are the cobwebs? I personally spent three hours carefully spinning one in the east hallway, only to find that your cleaning staff removed it because it was “a health hazard.” Sir, I am a health hazard.
Second, your staff need to take their job more seriously. One of your actors jumped out at me and yelled, “Boo!” I nearly died of embarrassment. I am a ghost. I am already dead. Please provide your employees with more advanced material.
The special effects are also woefully inadequate. Your fog machine produces less fog than my bathroom after a mildly enthusiastic shower. Your fake skeletons are plastic, your blood is clearly corn syrup, and your “possessed doll” has a button in her back that says Try Me. I have been dead since 1953 and even I find this tacky.
Finally, I would like to address the screaming. The guests scream constantly, but nobody seems to appreciate my screaming. I have been trapped in your basement for six months trying to perfect a blood-curdling wail, and last Tuesday someone asked if I could “keep it down because their baby was sleeping.”
This is a haunted house. What exactly did they expect?
I therefore request a full refund, three replacement cobwebs, a competent exorcist to remove your management team, and a sincere apology delivered at midnight in the cemetery.
Please resolve this matter promptly. Otherwise, I shall continue haunting your establishment indefinitely.
And trust me, I have nothing but time.
Sincerely,
Edgar “Eddie” Graves
Resident Ghost
Former Customer
Current Unpaid Basement Tenant
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